My Reason for This

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Hello, my name is Hannah. I am an eighteen year old, first year student at the University of Tennessee. Tonight, I created this blog. If you asked me why I randomly decided to create a blog, other than to procrastinate, I wouldn’t be able to describe it. I am not doing this for reasons so that others can read it but I think mainly for myself.

As I sit here, alone in my dorm room, I am forced to think about who I have become within my past three months here. I don’t like it. Don’t get me wrong, this definitely isn’t the first time I have sat in deep thought, re-running all of the decisions that I have ever made in my life, but I do try to avoid it. It seems as though the only way to avoid loneliness is by avoiding thinking, truly thinking. I am so exhausted of filling my days with little things, all in order to avoid sitting in pure silence with the truth. So, here I am. Admitting it.

I am more lonely than I could ever imagine I would be.

I hate saying that out loud. Why would I ever be lonely? I have so many things to be proud of: the fact that I have not gained the infamous “freshman fifteen”, my family, my goals in life, my school, my sorority, my friends, my health, and so much more. But as I sit here, none of it matters. What is wrong with me? This is supposed to be the prime year of my life! I am a freshman in college! I can’t even say that I am lonely due to the lack of true friendship here, as some may be able to say. My best friend in the entire world lives next door to me and we hangout all of the time. I remain in constant contact with my family, sometimes I even wonder if it is too much contact. By saying these things, I am stressing that I have no valid reason to be lonely but it just happened.

I believe that every student goes through this, lonliness, whether they admit it or not. College is hard. You are forced to become an adult, and a lot of times this requires you to be alone more than you would have ever been before. Even as a Christian you become lonely, keeping up faith is difficult when you aren’t attending church with your family and friends every week; you have to do it on your own. Even if you maintain a healthy church life, this does not mean you remember who you are as a Christian when you go out with your friends at night. Your faith is all on you now.

My point is, adjusting to who you will be for the rest of your life is stressful and difficult. You often lose yourself in order to find yourself. This is what I have done, and I am just now on the track to finding myself again. This blog is my journey back, back to being the girl who saw God in everything, the friend to everyone, the girl who wasn’t anxious every moment of the day, and definitely not the girl who sits in silence questioning her state of bliss.

If anyone is reading this, I hope you understand where I am coming from. Life is hard, sometimes we just get off the track of where we want to be.

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