I am exhausted. I find myself having to dig deep in order to find the desire to do anything that would benefit my relationship with God or build my character. On the occasions that I do find enough motivation to get up and take action, I almost always find myself later taking the two steps back again.
It’s like coming back from a trip and being on a ‘spiritual high’. I feel as though God and I are on the same page and are moving forward together. That is, until one day I wake up and forget about it. My religious growth has come and gone, it was merely a phase.
That is how I consistently feel, as though one day I move forward until suddenly I am back further than when I started. And I am sick of it.
In a book I am reading, I was reminded that I cannot continue to live like this. I can’t just reminisce on those times that I was on my spiritual high, or the time that I was a bible study leader, the time that I actually looked forward to going to church and getting into the bible. God wants me to stop being content with where I am and do something to further my relationship with Him.
“I’m forever wanting to go someplace with God. I forget that in order to really want to go, something has to happen to make me want to leave where I am.” (Beth Moore)
It is so easy to point out the times when we grow “Oh I heard a great sermon today and am feeling really inspired to read the bible more often”. We are so quick to pat ourselves on the back when we give attention to God. But why? Are we truly getting into the word for the right reasons if we feel the need to brag about it? Is spending time with God not enough?
But when we continue to sin and make mistakes, we are far less likely to brag about that. We just continue to throw these weights onto our backs, which gradually slow us down and distance us from God.
I continue to forget how forgiving God is. I find myself hiding things from Him as if He doesn’t already know. What I don’t realize is that this is completely wrong of me. In the moment, hiding from God seems beneficial to me but this is just another two steps backwards.
It is time for me to take more steps forward and less steps back and quit tricking myself into thinking this will be so difficult. God is not asking us to run a marathon for Him or even half a mile at that. He wants us to share our faults with Him, allow Him to hold our hand through it all. When we start to take another step back, He can pull us forward. Most importantly, we need to remember that sometimes taking the steps forward can often feel like we are going backwards. But God is with us through it all.
For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.” (Isaiah 41:13)