Anxiety in College

anxiety1

Many people have dealt with anxiety but for some people, it is a daily struggle. For these people, myself included, anxiety isn’t a random annoyance faced when classes get tough. Anxiety is a demon that constantly, every waking moment, is there.

For me, it began in middle school. The anxiety came when I was nervous. While it was enough to make me sick to my stomach before a test, I never thought anything of it, because everyone deals with test anxiety. Once college began, it began to develop as a daily issue. I wasn’t able to sleep because I couldn’t manage to make myself quit worrying. When I showered, handfuls of hair would slide into the drain. I lost weight. I became sick to my stomach each day. My body was being affected to where it required medical attention. College had intensified my anxiety to the point where I was no longer myself.

Each moment, I worried. I worried about what I was going to eat, whether I was going to finish my homework due next week, that my friends were going to find new friends. I worried that I was going to become lonely. When I studied, I worried I wasn’t going to remember the material. During exams, I worried that I didn’t study enough. After exams, I worried I failed. I worried that I would disappoint my parents. I worried that God had forgotten me.

It didn’t matter if I truly believed these things. In the back of my  mind, I knew my friends would never leave me. I knew that I would finish my homework in plenty of time. Nothing mattered, I always managed to find ways to get anxious about it.

When I wasn’t able to calm myself down, I would began to lose control. My breathing became shallow, my heart rate increased, I felt as though I was going to pass out.

When I explained this to my friends or family, many of them would tell me to “just stop worrying” or “just calm down”. Not realizing what they were doing, they were simply adding more anxiety. I would begin to get anxious because I couldn’t simply do what they were telling me.

It wasn’t until I began to see a doctor that I realized I had anxiety, a legitimate medical problem I will face for the rest of my life. I’ve learned that not everyone will understand what I go through every day.

Although I have been on medication and now see a doctor, I still deal with anxiety. I still occasionally open my agenda book, see everything I have to do, and began to hyperventilate. I still occasionally run out of class, get a breath of fresh air, and call my mom in tears.

Anxiety is something that many people face and are misunderstood or judged for it. No, we are not trying to be annoying when we ask a million questions. No, we do not believe that we are busier than everyone else. No matter the workload or person, those of us facing anxiety will always be overwhelmed. It is not something we can help.

I am tired of feeling ashamed for struggling with anxiety. I am proud to have my own struggles and to have a difficult and unique way of dealing with them. Anxiety is something that should be understood and acknowledged.

I am writing this article right now because an hour ago in the library, I was on the verge of an anxiety attack. Afterwards, I realized that I have been pushing my anxiety and it’s effects on my life away. I am proud to be who I am.  I am proud to not be perfect.

Advertisements

This One’s for Myself

Recently, I wrote an article for my school newspaper. Coming up with a topic to write about each week grows old and you run out of ideas. Last week, having run out of brilliant ideas, I decided to write on my first controversial topic. Police brutality. In this article, I didn’t cover the issue itself, but instead my opinion on a slight way to lessen it.

After I sent in the completed product, my editors changed the title as well as a few lines. They did not inform me but instead published it.

That became a problem.

Now, I have people telling me back and forth how much they agree and disagree with my article. Some more friendly than others.

As I cried in the bathroom of a building on campus, I realized I am sick of writing for other people. I am sick of being so concerned with what people think of me, about my writing.

So, this one is for me.

I’m not going to add any cute pictures. I’ll leave it blank.

I’m not going to crack funny jokes. I’m going to complain.

I’m not going to check for grammar problems. I’ll leave it how it is.

Im going to talk about me and where I am right now. Keep reading if you want, it doesn’t matter to me. I’m doing this for me, it’s my therapy.

I miss my mom so much. After getting upset today, the first thing I did was call her. I didn’t realize until now how much I miss her. Right now, the only thing I want to do is cuddle with her and sit in silence.

My faith is slowly, but surely, growing. I had hit a bit of a rough patch but so far this year I have relied more on God. I know I’m no where closer to where I need to be, or maybe I wouldn’t have gotten so upset today.

I realize this blog post is stupid and pointless but it helped me. I’ve gotten so used to writing for an audience that I forgot how to write for me. Hopefully I’ll do it more from now on.

If you’ve read all the way through this, thank you. I could really use prayers of encouragement right now. Writing is important to me, I don’t want to let a few instances drag me down.

p.s. I lied. As I kept writing for myself, I felt my heart get happier again. So, here’s a picture:)

IMG_9199

Because I miss these goobers right now.

Why Do Bad Things Happen To Good People

1420650146370

It was a morning unlike any other.

I was woken up by a phone call. Seeing it was from my mom, I became slightly irritated that she would call so early in the morning.

“Hello?” I managed to grumble out while still adjusting to the morning light.

“She lost her baby,” my mom said quietly.

It took a few seconds for the sentence to process in my mind, so she repeated it.

“She lost her baby.”

How does this happen, I thought to myself. I laid in my bed feeling sick to my stomach, still unable to fully process the seriousness of what had taken place. I couldn’t understand why bad things happen to good people. Why my cousin, whom I have always looked up to for being so strong, deserved to lose her baby. Why did she, who already had been dealt so many hard hands in life, have to be the one who God would choose for this to happen to? Didn’t she deserve some happiness? Couldn’t God have shown Himself some other way? Why did He choose this for her?

As the next few days drudged by, I continued to be amazed by her strength. I stood by watching, still in a daze. The memory of holding her thirty-four week old stillborn baby a few days ago still burned in my heart. I couldn’t help but to be angry with God. If I was in this much pain, I couldn’t imagine what she was going through. She must hate God.

Finally, the day of the funeral arrived. I grimaced as they pulled the tiny, white casket out of the vehicle. My eyes teared up and I felt sorrow for anyone who has gone through this.

Concluding the service, I placed my hands on the casket and closed my eyes. I prayed for my cousin and her family. I prayed for the innocent baby and that he would be happy in Heaven. I prayed that there was a reason for all of this.

As for my cousin, she assured me that there was a reason and God had a plan. While I was sitting here wondering why God would let something so sad happen to such a good person, my cousin, who was suffering far worse than I, was leaning confidently on God.

In times of trouble, it is hard to remember that God has never promised us an easy life, but instead a perfect eternity.

We will never know why God chose to take away an innocent baby before he had taken his first breath or why He allows us to feel such pain, but we must continue to grow in the fact that He loves us and will continue to.

Until then, I will continue to pray for my cousin and her family. I will continue to remember what it felt like to hold that precious baby and how my heart hurt so badly in that moment. I will continue to pray that God shows His plan for her. Most of all, I will pray to God and thank Him for His Love.

John 16: 33 “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

A Sophomores Summer at Home

187062-It-s-Finally-Summer-

Summer. The time of year that encourages every college student to push through the sleep deprivation, lack of money, and final exams. We count down the days until our last final and look forward to finally doing the things we have been unable to all year: sleeping, eating real food, hanging out at our favorite hometown spots, and seeing old friends from high school.IMG_8268

Finally, summer arrives. We thoroughly enjoy the first few weeks. Our parents feed us meals that make our old diet of ramen noodles and cafeteria food look like prison food. We sleep until late afternoon, recovering from the year-long lack of it. We constantly meet up with our high school pals, telling each other humorous stories of how wild our first year was. The first few weeks of summer is magical. The grace period, allowing time away from the chaotic schedule of classes and other activities, has taken over, and we are overjoyed.

The second month of summer rolls along and we begin to slowly admit that we are ready for classes to start back up again. While the sleeping has been nice, our lives are beginning to get, dare I say it, boring. Although we love our friends from home, seeing them everyday has begun to get old. We have begun to run out of Netflix originals to watch and are beginning to watch episodes of Family Guy over and over again. We envy our older friends who seem to be having a fun time in their campus apartments. We begin to stalk those few people who spend all summer traveling the world and feel jealous. We talk about this in our group texts and decide to do more creative things in order to spice up our summer a little more… but, we never get to them. Instead, we continue to do the same thing with the same friends every night.

giphy

Suddenly, a few people begin to SnapChat themselves all moved in their new apartment back on campus. Knowing that our move in dates aren’t for a few weeks makes the time pass by that much more slowly. Summer is now not just boring, it is agonizing. We want our campus life back!

Summer break? What a tricky thing! While the home-cooked meals and free laundry service from our parents is enjoyable, what seasoned college students neglect to tell upcoming sophomores is summer back home is just a time for too much sleep, too much Netflix, and too much time on your hands. (Unless you are one of those people who were lucky enough to travel. In that case, we will continue to despise you until school starts. Sorry not sorry!)

Luckily for us, in about a month we will all be back to our wonderfully chaotic school schedules counting down the days until summer 2016 begins.

Lessons I Learned as a Freshman

As I sit here procrastinating before my final exam, I can’t help but reminisce on my freshman year as a student at the University of Tennessee. Going through the pictures on my laptop, I smile as I am reminded of all the exciting memories that I will have for the rest of my life. I have learned so many life lessons this year. Some of these I learned through others and some I wish I had learned an easier way. Either way, God has been by my side and has given me so many new friendships and opportunities.

11178236_10153172950230502_8174157447289011986_n

The first, and hardest, lesson that I learned was that I am not as strong of a person as I believe I am, and thats okay. I came into college believing that I could refrain from all peer pressure. I would remain the perfect person. Sadly, I proved myself wrong. Don’t get me wrong, I do not regret a single decision that I have made. These decisions have made me who I am today and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Often disappointing myself with my decisions, I turned from God. I convinced myself that if I denied God my attention, I wouldn’t have to face the fact that I was disappointing Him. Little did I understand, God had already forgiven me. I learned that mistakes are okay, but not to turn from God in the midst of them. I learned that God stood behind me through it all, even when I had turned a blind eye to Him.

IMG_7504

Another lesson that I learned the hard way was to always trust your mother. While I have always considered my mom one of my best friends and biggest allies, I began to feel disconnected from her. Like I felt with God, I didn’t want her to be disappointed in who I had become. It wasn’t until I broke down in front of a friend who disciples me that I learned: by withholding my feelings from my mom, I was affecting my relationship with God. After having a heart to heart with my mom and pouring out the feelings I had been holding in for months, I was able to let all of my guilt and pressures go and move on.

IMG_7621

A more positive lesson that I have learned in college is that college isn’t all about school and social life. Yes, I need to focus on my grades. (Which my dad I’m sure thinks should be my sole focus). Yes, I have benefitted greatly from joining a sorority. Coming into college, I thought that these were the most important aspects of college, but I was wrong. Church life, once I found a home, has benefitted me greatly. I have dedicated myself to give time there as a member as well as a nursery assistant. Most importantly to me, I have given two hours a week to Lost Sheep ministries. Here, I am humbled by praying with homeless people, serving them food, and giving them clothes. I learned that college isn’t just a place to get education for your future, but also to grow as a person, find what you’re passionate about, and to not be selfish. 

IMG_7639

Those are three of the huge lessons I learned in college, although I could go on with a million more: Being lonely is okay, your parents weren’t kidding when they said you’ll appreciate their lessons, finals week will make you eat more junk food than you ever could imagine, sometimes you do have to get really hurt in order to grow, naps are your best friend, be careful when choosing your future roommates, and to make mistakes and have fun.

IMG_7542

Although I have been to some pretty low points in my life this year, I have watched my best friend cry in true agony for the first time, and I miss my family more than I could ever imagine… I have made some pretty awesome friends and memories this year, I have become a proud member of Delta Gamma, and I have grown to love my school. I look forward to learning more life lessons as a sophomore next semester with my friends, sisters, family, and God by my side. Go Vols!

Imperfection at its best.

Today I worshipped with homeless people and loved it.

Today I shared my love of Christ with strangers and loved it.

If you had asked me yesterday where I was in my faith, I would quickly answer with an empty “Good!” but think to myself about how lost and exhausted I am.

I have been carrying this abundant weight on my shoulders. I need to be the good Christian sorority girl who inspires others. I need to be the perfect daughter and make my family proud. I need to be able to help others and act like I have everything together. The perfect student. The perfect friend. The perfect everything.

Along the way of this impossible journey, I gave up on church. Until today.

Today I realized that I do not need to be perfect and neither does church.

It wasn’t until I allowed myself to lower my expectations of myself and stand alongside strangers that I realized this.

This morning I arrived at a new church about fifteen minutes early. I saw people setting up a table with orange slices, bagels, coffee, and free bibles. Sitting in the back, I watched the most diverse group of people walk in.

A few homeless people arrived. I thought to myself that they were just here for the free breakfast but I watched them grab coffee and sit near the stage. Ashamed I even allowed myself to think like that, I looked back towards the door. In came a few couples of all races. A few single people. People with piercings. People with kids. Elderly people. College students. You name it, they were there.

I felt a little out of place and uncomfortable to be honest. I had never been to a church with such a variety of people. I watched as everyone sat down. Each person was so friendly towards one other, sharing smiles and conversation. A couple of people came up to me and introduced themselves.

As worship began, I was amazed. No one cared who was homeless, who had style of a different taste, who was dressed in jeans, or who was dressed in a suit. What mattered to everyone in that room was that they were together worshipping God.

No one in that room cared if I was the perfect student or the perfect sorority member. All they wanted was for me to worship with them.

I couldn’t help but smile as I started to sing, I no longer felt anything but at home. 

Church isn’t about how nice you dress or how often you go. This is the first church that has captured the true meaning of what it is all about: loving people and loving God.

Today I realized that I am perfect in all of my flaws. The weight on my shoulders has been lifted. It feels freeing to be able to worship with all of God’s people, to pray with strangers that I originally would never have given a second look to but now I pray to get to know them.

I challenge everyone to place yourself in an uncomfortable situation and allow yourself to lower your expectations of yourself. God has placed so many amazing, perfect people near you who would love to be invited to worship Him with you.

And if you’re in Knoxville, I invite you to worship alongside me and an amazing group of people at Knoxlife church every Sunday at 10.

images

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

I am exhausted. I find myself having to dig deep in order to find the desire to do anything that would benefit my relationship with God or build my character. On the occasions that I do find enough motivation to get up and take action, I almost always find myself later taking the two steps back again.

It’s like coming back from a trip and being on a ‘spiritual high’. I feel as though God and I are on the same page and are moving forward together. That is, until one day I wake up and forget about it. My religious growth has come and gone, it was merely a phase.

That is how I consistently feel, as though one day I move forward until suddenly I am back further than when I started. And I am sick of it.

In a book I am reading, I was reminded that I cannot continue to live like this. I can’t just reminisce on those times that I was on my spiritual high, or the time that I was a bible study leader, the time that I actually looked forward to going to church and getting into the bible. God wants me to stop being content with where I am and do something to further my relationship with Him.

“I’m forever wanting to go someplace with God. I forget that in order to really want to go, something has to happen to make me want to leave where I am.” (Beth Moore)

It is so easy to point out the times when we grow “Oh I heard a great sermon today and am feeling really inspired to read the bible more often”. We are so quick to pat ourselves on the back when we give attention to God. But why? Are we truly getting into the word for the right reasons if we feel the need to brag about it? Is spending time with God not enough?

But when we continue to sin and make mistakes, we are far less likely to brag about that. We just continue to throw these weights onto our backs, which gradually slow us down and distance us from God.

I continue to forget how forgiving God is. I find myself hiding things from Him as if He doesn’t already know. What I don’t realize is that this is completely wrong of me. In the moment, hiding from God seems beneficial to me but this is just another two steps backwards.

It is time for me to take more steps forward and less steps back and quit tricking myself into thinking this will be so difficult. God is not asking us to run a marathon for Him or even half a mile at that. He wants us to share our faults with Him, allow Him to hold our hand through it all. When we start to take another step back, He can pull us forward. Most importantly, we need to  remember that sometimes taking the steps forward can often feel like we are going backwards. But God is with us through it all.

For I, the LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.” (Isaiah 41:13)

nwm13724144038584_3_t2

To True Friends

12 “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” (John 12)

IMG_0129

True friendship is such an uncommon thing.  

Occasionally we will catch a glimpse of what could have possibility been one, but these often fall short of what a true friendship should be.

These friends are hard to come by, but once you have found one, you will never let go.

So, here’s to you. The true friends.

73115_10200929997000424_583878338_n

To my lifelong friend….

Thank you. Thank you for being there for me when I was three and still to this day.

I cannot imagine growing up alongside anyone else, laughing through our awkwardly-staged photos with anyone else, or reminiscing at all the stupid things we did as kids with anyone else.

I love hearing my mom tell any one of the million childhood stories that you’re in, its a reminder that you are not only my lifelong friend but my sister as well. As we grew up, our families accepted each of us as one of their own.

Through everything, you have stuck by my side with nothing but honest, bottomless love. There is no one else who can say that they have gone to the ends of the earth for me, countless times now, for almost sixteen years.

You have seen the best and the worst sides of me, and have accepted them and loved me anyways. We have endured breakups, depressions, betrayal, pain, and God only knows what else, but we have always (and will always) remained friends. Even when I had given up on myself, you never gave up on me.

I picture the first time we met and I smile, knowing that someday I will also be picturing us growing old together, hitting all of the life stepping stones with you by my side.

IMG_1193 IMG_3832

To my high school best friend….

I can’t imagine going through those miserable four years with anyone else by my side.

In high school, we are constantly changing. We find our first true romances, our first major peer pressures, undergo the stress of applying for colleges, and in the end we always find out who are true friends are. I did not doubt for one second that you would be one of the good ones that sticks around.

You are the friend that never considered flirting with my ex-crushes. No matter how small and short-lived the crush may have been.

You are the friend that wouldn’t care about looking “cool” as long as you were by my side. At football games our freshman year, homecoming pep rallies, graduation, it didn’t matter.. we could always be found within ten feet of each other.

You are the friend that came over whenever I was grounded and couldn’t go out. (Which was often.) Whether I was grounded for grades or for getting caught sneaking out, you would come over to relieve my boredom.

You are the friend that I laugh at how awkward, embarrassing, and amazing our friendship was. You know about the times I most humiliated myself and about those awkward dreams that I’ve never told anyone else. No one else will ever know these, unless they read the millions of notes we passed back and forth in class.

You are the friend that I know the past memories will always be able to outweigh the current ones. Whenever we see each other, it is like we never left. It doesn’t matter the distance or the time spent apart, I cherish your friendship and how faithful you have been to me.

You are the friend that I hope my future children have someday, because high school would have been impossible without you. I wouldn’t be who I am today without you.

IMG_0159 IMG_3058

To my crazy best friend…

My life became drastically more fun when you entered it.

Although we have our serious moments, the times I most grow with you is when we are laughing. Which is always. You are the friend I can call and know I will have a good time with.

Even through the hardest times of my life, you kept it upbeat. Whether it was us taking a car ride, listening to Whitney Houston and screaming our hearts out, or making videos and replaying them in slo-mo, we always had a good time.

You are the only friend that I feel comfortable enough sending a snapchat where I am singing terribly to, the only friend I can say I went to Starbucks with at 5am to study, the only friend who oddly calls me chewbacca and knows what it means. I share so many moments with you that I will never be able to compare with anyone else.

Sure, we had our rough patches, but those are not what I think about. When I reminisce on our friendship, I most remember the laughter, fun, energy, and the closeness we developed through it all.

I want to thank you for making my life a never ending, strangely fun, memorable, adventure with you. I cannot wait to create so many more with you, my crazy best friend.

 IMG_1304IMG_6748

To my college best friend….

Words cannot explain the full appreciation I have for your friendship.

People often jokingly say we are dating because we are always together, act like each other, make comments that would make others uncomfortable, take couple-y pictures, etc. What no one understands is, that is just how close we are. We can sit in silence for hours and not feel uncomfortable in the slightest. Sometimes, I crawl in bed with you to take a nap just because thats how our friendship is (again, we sound like a couple).

Not only am I completely comfortable around you, but I trust you with all of my heart. I know that I can tell you anything and you will never judge me. I trust that you will tell me how it is. You will remind me when I have strayed away from God and encourage me the entire way back.

We have both hit low points during our first semesters of college, but it was made so much easier knowing that God placed you in my life and knowing you were there with me.

Not only are you faithful as a friend, as loving as a sister, encouraging to my faith, and down with me in my struggles, but you are the only person who laughs at all of my jokes, no matter how lame they are. We often speak to each other solely through facial expressions. To anyone else we look insane, to us we are communicating normally.

Like I said earlier, I can’t describe in words my love I have for you. To me, you are my sister in Christ. My going out buddy. My future roommate. You are my best friend. 

I have been extremely blessed to have such an amazing group of four best friends. I treasure each and every one of you and look forward to sharing life with you. You all have changed my life for the better, making me who I am today. I love you. 

What’s Your Self Worth?

It was a typical Friday night. My best friend and I were standing in front of the mirror, applying our makeup, fixing our frizz-balls of hair, and listening to pump-up music. All of a sudden, she cracked some joke saying “Man, we make ourselves look totally different for boys. If only they could see us before all the makeup, I bet they wouldn’t even talk to me!”

Of course, we laughed at this. I mean, why wouldn’t we? Its totally true. We spend hours making ourselves fit the image of what we should look like on the weekends, when in reality that isn’t who we are. (Don’t get me wrong, I find nothing wrong in applying makeup, however; I do find it wrong when we let our image define who we are). We spend so much time, money, and stress on our self image in order to increase our self worth. Without even realizing it, we are making our self image a huge idol in our life, hoping it will increase our self worth. 

When I mention self worth and image, I am not just talking about being “pretty”. We also make decisions in our life, all in hopes to fulfill that hole in our hearts. We think if we do certain things, be a certain person, we will feel complete. 

Our self worth cannot be measured by boys, how pretty we are, how often we go out and drink, or how many friends we have. None of it matters in the end. We cannot continue to allow ourselves to change who we are and purposefully sin in order to feel and look better. We need to trust that God will fill our hearts and our lives with His grace. That should be enough for us.

So, we should stop saying “I will be happy when…” because Jesus’s heart stopped beating so our hearts could beat in His place. His heart stopped beating so we could continue living in our beautiful imperfections. He loved who we are so much, that He died.

I don’t know about you, but that makes me feel really good about myself. I was worth that much. I have a God who loves who I am. God has made my self worth infinitely high.

So whats your self worth? Is it worth doing something you will carry in your shadow for the rest of your life? Is it worth the money you spend to make yourselves look better? Will it be worth it when you stand before God?

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2 

150188_10206186490966924_7674365422486557730_n

Dating in College

I’ll start off this post with a bit of a personal story. Recently, a boy brought to my attention that he was pursuing me with intentions to date soon. I was taken by surprise when he said this, because although we had been on a few dates and stuck to each other’s sides at parties, I had never had the intention to date him. I can’t exactly give a valid excuse for me not wanting to date him, he is a great guy. But in the moment that he told me he wanted to date me, I knew I was going to end it.

Later that night, I was running the list of reasons why I wanted to end it through my head. I realized later on that none of it mattered. The most important reason, and the reason I have to end it, is because I cannot see myself marrying him. God doesn’t want me dating someone for reasons other than marriage, and to be honest neither do I. 

And this brings my whole reason for this post, dating in college. Every time I think about it, I remember the pastor of my church flat out telling me that I will not find my future husband during my first year of college, so not to look. That statement went in and out of my ears at first. I didn’t want to listen, I wanted to go find a cute college boy and date him. But now, I am being forced to re-evaluate what my personal opinion on dating in college is.

It’s funny how God showed me that I need to focus on Him. He showed me by giving me exactly what I had been looking for, all knowing that in the end I would realize it wouldn’t be enough.

If you had asked me a month ago if I wanted to date someone, I would most likely interrupt you mid-sentence with a loud YES, however; if you asked me now, my answer would be the same..yet different. I know I sound like a crazy person right now, but let me explain.

Yes, I do want to date someone. Two people actually.

Firstly, I want to date God. If I gave God half of the attention that I have been giving to boys, I would be twice the Christian that I am right now. I need to be going on dates with God, giving myself one on one time to get to know Him. Unlike college boys, God will not ignore me, He will not blow me off, He will not cheat on me, He will not hurt me. I need to give God my whole heart, to date Him and eventually marry Him. In Hosea, God tells us to do just that.

14 “Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her. 15 And there I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. And there she shall answer as in the days of her youth, as at the time when she came out of the land of Egypt. 16 “And in that day you will call me ‘Your Husband’ and no longer ‘My Baal.’ Hosea 2:14-16

Secondly, I want to date myself. Why in the world am I spending hours on hours wondering about boys, when I barely know who I am? College has brought out so many new parts of myself that I never knew before, and I have not taken time to explore them. College is supposed to be a time for me to grow up, become the woman I will be for the rest of my life. How can I do that when I am constantly trying to be the woman other people (boys) want me to be?

I will not look for a boyfriend my freshman year. I need to trust that God will bring my husband to me in due time. In the meantime, I am giving God my heart.

And someday, when God does bring me a worthy man of which whom I am supposed to be with for the rest of my life, I can be proud that I spent my first year as an adult focusing on the one who loves me the most and becoming the woman my husband is falling in love with, not chasing after meaningless part-time things.

So, here I go. But I am not worried, because I know I have God on my side holding my hand and guiding me the whole way.

IMG_6587